I've realised that my primary attribute is introversion. I think it is roughly 80% of me. But I've only recently considered what my secondary attribute is. This is interesting because introversion is more of a non-attribute. It's the absence of a personality, or a voice. In that sense, it could be said that my secondary attribute is my most significant one.
My theory is it is some form of comedy. I don't mean to say that I'm funny, it's just that I feel like more often than not when I am in a mood to talk, what I want to say is nonsense. It's to the point that I can't see how saying anything unfunny is worthwhile. I feel this vague sense of defeat when I've had to communicate something practical, like "hello".
I've noticed that oftentimes my I'm too sad to be funny. When I get sad I also feel this need to be taken seriously. It's ridiculous because I feel pulled all the time between wanting to be a lighthearted, self deprecating presence. But at the same time I'm afraid of how people perceive me, and this makes me want to be feared and respected, which is an unattainable goal. It's like I have this Ideal, superego goal of not being taken seriously and this ingrained id like desire to be taken seriously.
I've sort of been trying to fight back my desire for respect since... December? to allow myself to speak nonsense more. So far this effort has only taken the form of bi monthly twitter posts, which still in itself feels like a challenge. I try to make a conscious effort to post even if I'm sad or angry. Because I need be unbound by my current state of mind. I need to be able to present a dumb joke on the internet even if I feel small and worthless, even if it contradicts my current state of being. I need to be ok with that contradiction.
There's a song called: I Bite Through It. I keep thinking this sentence. What I'm biting through though is nothing special, like injustice, or difficult situations. Just my own self pity and lack of confidence. I bite through it. This feeling of worthlessness and guilt. To force myself into a better state of mind even though I'm sad and don't have the momentum to get out of it.
Strangely this very small but conscious effort, of writing on twitter in a state of perceived weakness and worthlessness has sortof worked. I didn't have high expectations for this extremely low effort practice, but in the moment I do feel this vague sense of changing. Not a complete metamorphosis but more so an amalgamation. The funny thing is all of this is completely in my own head because no matter how much sleep I get or how social I'm feeling or how good of a mood I'm in I'll still look like a tired and all too serious guy with furrowed brows who never talks to 99% of everyone who interacts with me.
This small act of rebellion against my nature has caused what I consider (so far) the third worse thing to happen to me in 2019. I posted a meme relating to my failure at communicating my feelings to girl(s). My aunt, rping as a turtle, responded coldly: "you are almost 30 years old." This is possibly the worst thing someone could say to me.
The implications were clear: you are old. you are not acting your age. I'm attempting some weird cathartic process of playful self deprecation. I mean, the post was intended as a recognition of my own faults. A processing of what I consider the worst thing to happen to me this year. To receive such a cold response has shaken me so much. Its the perfect insult. I guess because it's true. It's so patronizing. And there's nothing I can do about it. It's already too late.
I'm supposed to have this eternal perspective and realise that life on earth is fleeting. But that just feels too big and inconceivable. I used to get really bad anxiety when I was younger thinking about eternity. It felt like this expanse where I would go insane, like someone floating through space. I found that the only way I could cope with it was to trust that God wouldn't let me go insane and to Never Think About It. So for the past 15(?) years I just Never Think About It.
So I have to exist on this mortal scale. And I think that's reasonable, right? I'm a finite person. I should work with a finite context. Being this middle aged guy.
But Children still intimidate me. Every one still intimidates me.
I don't know what the word slacks means.
I think it was last year that I discovered there are no more inches after 11. As in, you can't be 5'12.
I haven't substantially read a book since 2009. I think I finished the Grapes of Wrath around then.
I continue to hang on to the handful of sentence structures I learned as a teenager.
I can't even so much as talk to strangers on the internet without feeling anxious (the second worse thing to happen to me this year).
I'm a terrible driver.
I've yet to prove that I could fend for myself and eat enough if left on my own for a long time.
I've accumulated a not inconsequential amount of money and I have no idea what to do with it, just that there are things involving banks you're supposed to do.
I don't know what a credit score is.
If someone gave me a job I wouldn't know if I was being paid well or not. And if I found out I wasn't, it would probably take me 15 years to find the courage to ask for a raise.
I've never bothered looking into world problems.
I'm sitting here at work listing my faults like an idiot because I don't have the guts to speak up to my boss and say I've spent more days with nothing to do than not since I started here 2 years ago.
I'm still writing these blog posts because I don't have the wisdom or perspective to know that posting them publicly are a bad idea.
I've never once applied for more than one school.
I've neglected to get my teeth and cholesterol levels checked.
I've neglected to so much as look into how to get a psychiatrist (if that's what they're even called)
I know next to nothing about medicine.
If someone fell down near me I would panic, not know what to do or who to call.
I put these "," things all over my sentences, probably incorrectly.
If someone says something remotely negative to me it ruins my day. Case in point: the 30 thing is the only negative thing anyone has said to me this year and I'm still upset about it.
All I have is this lifetime experience of being immature and lost. You are almost 30. The terrifying thing about working with a human life timeframe is I have to cope with this very real timer. How do you accept it? How do you measure the quality of the time that has passed? Do you measure it through the amount of good things you've managed to experience, the level of maturity you've reached, or the amount of knowledge you've acquired? You are almost 30. However you measure it, you are almost 30, and whatever you were supposed to be doing with the time given to you so far, you've wasted it, and it's never coming back.
If she said it lovingly, and that isn't a total impossibility, I can't tell. I can only feel tormented by this sentence. What does it mean to be mature? I don't really know but as long as I am intimidated by children I don't think I can call myself mature. And I can't even own my immaturity. I can't say: "well that's who I am". It's true. I am lacking. I don't talk enough. I don't communicate well. In fact I talk less and less.
One time I tweeted "I wish I could fall in love" and the turtle responded: "You need to love yourself first". She's right. I don't love myself enough. It's frustrating that whoever she thinks I am can only be fabricated given how little she knows about me because I never see her. But in spite of that, her critiques are still real.
But everyone thinks they know me. That's just how humans make sense of other humans. We automatically give a narrative and motivation to events witnessed. Oftentimes it feels like even if further events contradict our narrative, it's easier to twist it to fit than to reject it altogether and start over. Most people just have the discretion to not act on what they think they know.
So why can't I just start talking? I think there was a world in which I developed the basic social skills to know how to stand in proximity to someone and say the ten sentences required to continue a conversation
Sometimes people will tell me things like: I drove 20 kilometers today. My apartment is 70 square feet. I shot a real gun at a firing range. My kids went to a birthday party. I've installed 20 gb of ram in my computer. I'm going on vacation to Spain next month. I didn't sleep much last night. I bought a new motorcycle.
And I just have to pretend that what they told me was meaningful. And sometimes I'll reciprocate to avoid an awkward silence. I'm studying computer programming. I've lived in france since 2001. I live in V***. You havn't heard of it. I went hiking once but I didn't like it. I did construction work but I didn't like it. I visited Madrid once but I didn't like it. I went to film school but I didn't like it. Sand flowing out of my mouth.
Sometimes I'll see people aggregating and feel left out and wonder whether I'm the sadest person on earth for not doing this too or maybe I'm not even the same species. But then I'll climb the first wall towards conversations and be unsure what is so great about the field of words that can be found on the other side.
And so getting back to the comedy thing, I've found that when I am in a mood to socialise what I'm most interested in saying is nonsense. The problem with this is that I can be funny around very few people. Mostly because I'm so intimidated around everyone.
And because the context isn't right. It's hard when their first impression of me is someone who's always quiet, for them months later to expect anything else from me as an individual. I'm pretty sure that I've even tried being funny and it doesn't even register for people.
Impressions get solidified so quickly. Maybe my own impression of who I am around people gets solidified too quickly too. I remember all 3 of my room mates in the fall of 2014 inviting me to an event: 1. drink with the people upstairs, 2. go to their bible study, 3. go to their frat house. And when I declined each of them, they never invited me to anything again. They were right to do so, but's it's kindof curious, how those things work. I mean, I guess it makes sense. It's not like my answer would change if they ever asked me again. But in this sense, maybe introversion takes two. It is a link between a dead horse and the person who sees no point in beating it. Between a wall and the person who treats it as such.
If i'm 80% quiet and 12% humorous, that's 92% of my personality that's erased for most people. I think if my secondary characteristic meshed better with my primary one, people would see it more often, because it would be more natural to transition between the two. It's alot easier to be something when there is an expectation for it. Like if I was really interested in deep conversations. Or discussing measurements. I sometimes wonder if people assume I spend all this time in silence thinking through things. The truth is I never think before I speak. Words are just automatically presented to me and I almost always choose to say them.
So there's that. I'm especially quiet because it's hard to joke around people. So what even is the 8% that's left of me? Probably fear.
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